Hello. My name is Autumn I am 20 years old and my mother is a sociopath. Recently I am starting to come to terms with what that actually means, for my mother to be a sociopath and I am finding that there is very little information online or stories from people who are learning to cope with their parents disability. I will be using this blog as a way to vent and hopefully as a tool for other people like me, maybe my writing will help someone else out there feel less alone then they already feel.
First I would like to define the "technical" deffinition for sociopathic tendencies, this is normally listed as a person whom is antisocial and lacks moral responsibility or social conscience. People with this psychological disorder are normally pathological and frequent liars, they have no remorse for their actions and frequently use people to get their way or to obtain sympathy. But the people in my opinion who truly suffer from these peoples reckless and thoughtless actions are their children.
I was born in 1991 my mother had just turned 18 and my father had just turned 30 and they were married shortly after I was born. I don't remember a lot from my early childhood, or at least the first 4 years until my little sister Emily was born. I was no longer a single little girl I had someone that I knew was going to need me and that I was going to need her. Growing up my mom and dad used to argue constantly I remember one argument in particular, I was maybe 5 or 6 years old sitting in the back seat of the car trying to distract my sister from the yelling. It was always terrible she could scream and scream for hours and never stop my father always trying to calm her down or reason with her. This day my dad pulled the car over after my mom demanded to be let out of the car, she continued to scream saying, "fine jimmy. Let's settle this now, I'll take Emily and you can have Autumn and we will never have to see eachother again." She reached into the passenger door window where Emily was sitting and tried to open the door, my dad didn't notice and drove... pulling my mom about 30 feet before coming to a stop. I don't remember a lot after that, I remember the ambulance coming taking my mom away and my dad being handcuffed and dragged off by the police. But that's the day everything seemed to start, after the incident my mother got full custody of me and Emily we lived in a large factory converted into apartments she would not allow me to speak with my dad on the phone without her in the room and one time after telling him we lived on a dead end road she took the wooden spoon out of the drawer and broke it while she pulled my pants down and beat my bottom purple. She always bad mouthed my father saying he was a phedophile or that he didn't love me like she did... Her drug problem was what finally got me and Emm back into my dads custody and while she was off at rehab my dad was left to pick up the pieces, but whenever things would start to become normal back Kristie would come saying, "I'm so sorry I messed up I have changed just onto more chance." And he would give her the benefit of the doubt because of the one sided love he had for her. They finally divorced when I was 9 with shared custody and we would spend half a week at moms and the other half at my dads. Half weeks with her were hell, I was left alone with Emily for countless hours a day, feeding, bathing and getting a 6 year old to do their homework is difficult enough now try being 9 and your just in over your head. I became angry and took it out on the little girl who had done nothing wrong the sweet girl with the blonde curls and chubby cheeks, and I wish I could take back every punch and slap... every time I strangled her or dhe fell down the stairs but I cannot... As the years started to pass my mom got more and more mentally abusive telling me I was worthless, or that she was the only person who could ever love a terrible child like me. Every visit with social workers ended with no result, she put on her poor me mask and played them like puppets even after she had busted my lip from her "discipline" she got away with everything...
I am now a young woman unprepared for the world ahead of her stuck somewhere mentally between an adult and a child longing for what I could never have, my mothers love with no strings attached. I feel alone and deserted coming to terms that she will never be able to love me, or understand what real love is. Even through my heart aches for her to hold me and tell me everything will be okay it will never happen. In an argument we had today she called me a disappointment, no mom a disappointment is a woman who abandons her children to fend for themselves, a disappointment is a woman who jumps from man to man just to use and abuse them and their bank accounts, and a woman who has been strung out or drunk most of ky life. Here is where I make ky stand, I will no longer cower in closets while she belittles me for control. I am breaking free from these chains and getting help. I will continue to post at least weekly about my therapy and other stories about growing up with a sociopathic mother with the hope that it will help someone out there like me who is only looking for the love of a mother they will never have...
I know how you feel my mom is a sociopath. She was never into drugs or alcohol but she really didn't have remorse for others and still doesn't. She thinks the world revolves around her and that it's everyone else that's crazy not her. Keep writting will help alot of people
ReplyDeleteI hope you are alright Autumn.
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ReplyDeleteI do not feel guilty anymore either. i think that is how they keep the control but when you realize you have control of your own life and can move on it is a beautiful and peaceful feeling and have understanding and support to help cut those ties.
DeleteI too have a mother who is a sociopath. She is anti-social, has no TV, is totally selfish and loves to put a guilt trip on her kids. She's 80 years old now, has a lot of money, land and valuables. However she constantly holds it over our heads dangling it in front of our faces. She is constantly saying things like,"None of my children ever come to see me and don't care". My brothers and I get to see her quite often, but she is depressed, up one day and down the other. The only sibling she cares about is my baby brother but she hates his wife and has completely alienated her and now Lyra will have nothing to do with her. I have had to cut myself away from her because it is not healthy for me and I can't take it anymore.
DeleteI'm so glad you started this. Its my birthday I am 29 and for the past 7 years since my grandmothers death I have been little by little uncovering the state of my mothers mental health. My mother yesterday admitted to never in her life empathizing with me and that she had been setting dates to kill herself. I don't have any other family. My mom is also physicaly sick and convinced me to quit my job to take care of her with out telling me she had spent ALLL of my families finances. She is a pathalogical liar and lies often for no reason. She is incapable of taking care of even her most basic needs out of exxtreeme laziness ad gets anyoneand everyone to do the most extreme things for her ( my grandmother did AALLL of the housework and raising of me she died 7 years ago). Things as basic as walking. Literally. I am suffering a lot and feel truely alienated from my friends. I have only been in relationships with bipolar or sociopathic men which is how I noticed the corelation with my mothers behaviors. I am going to start counceling soon but feel hopeless about anyone understanding what it feels like. To be used by a parent your whole life only to find out that they addmittedly are incapable of feeling love for you. Do you know of any groups? Thank for sharing. I feel a little less alone. Isa
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ReplyDeleteI am so glad I found this blog and in response to the original post I started crying when I read what you wrote. You are about 6 yrs younger than me and I am assuming you had severe abuse with your child hood too. I can relate to how I treated my youngest sister and it is hard for me to forgive myself for that too. The only way that I feel I can be ok with what i did to her is to help set the examaple of a role model and big sister. I am an only child and my parents were never married but my sisters are form my moms marriage and she met my step dad when I was 5 I think. My whole child hood was a blurr.. my mom refused to go to counseling and actually placed me in counseling and medicated me for ADHD. She put me on ritalin at 4 yrs old and was medicated until i put myself in fostercare at 14.
ReplyDeleteShe lies and sometimes I don't even feel like she is in touch with reality. If you have ever had a beating from a sociopath, it is the most terrifying experience in the world. There is no soul in the eyes and they are a like the most dangerous animal to be viciously attacked by cuz she was not human at some points. The lights were on but no one was home. My mom could be nice when she wanted something or when i was walking on egg shells to make her happy. She beat me to the point that my grandpa and my aunt and uncle had asked to adopt me. She told everyone I was a horrible kid, put me in respit foster homes on weekends becasue she said she needed a break and couldnt handle me. I realized at 26 years old I was still scared of her but I am done. I only cut ties with her once when I was 17 but I didnt have enough support or confidence to stay away. I am moving from MN to CA on tuesday and she has the nerve to tell me she doesnt want to drive 45 mins ea way to see me only for 2 hrs. I wanted to choke her. I walked away though. I was the bigger person.
ReplyDeleteAfter she met my step dad, she stopped beating me. He took it for me, I never slept, we locked ourselves in the bedroom one night cuz she was throwing things like the kitchen table. My step dad promised me that night he would never let her hit me again but he brought on a whole new level of abuse. It was more emotional and psychological in nature. He was an alcoholic with a good heart. Highly misguided in life and down on himself. He was adopted and put into foster care by his adopted parents. He had serious abandonment issues. She used him as an excuse why we didn't spend time alone together and an escape from the reality she was evading. My grandmother was schizophrenic and my grandpa highly abusive but I did not see them that way growing up. They saved em from her abuse and they loved me. I felt she could never love. I did however start saying it to her a few years back and now it is like she says it everytime. Its normal so there is hope for those who dont know how to love.
ReplyDeleteshe has issues communicating emotionally with me but the other day what i think she was trying to say was the only time she could feel was when my uncle died. they were very close.. i think the cure for the disease is unconditional love from someone who could take that abuse i guess..
DeleteI read a quote once that said: some of the hardest people to love are those that need it the most. Problem is I have done this my whole life and I cannot keep being her life support. I am broken down, living somewhere i dont want to be having flashbacks from my childhood at every turn cuz we never lived anywhere longer than 6 mos. I felt like when my sisters were born we ( me and my step brother ) were on our way out the door. He was put up for ward of the state. My step dad before death was diagnosed with BPD and bi-polar, alcoholic. No one can believe I turned out the way I did coming from them. I am washing away the shame and guilt and waking up to reality. I always wanted to believe my mom could love but now I know it is not going to be from me helping her anymore. She is on her own to learn what she needs to and I can't help her anymore. I am doing her a dis-service by sticking around and not trusting her fully. I feel if you love someone you have to let them go if they are not treating you how you should be treated whether be a lover, friend, neighbor or parent. My step dad would tell me things like the only reason I was there was because I was my moms daughter and she only had me cuz she couldnt get rid of me. I was the closest to my uncle and grandparents and she tore me away from them with lies and jealousy and at a young age they ended passing away when I neede them the most. I grew up without my real father in my life until now and I spent 2 days over xmas with him and it felt great! he is a savior like me.. he tried to save her but cant save anyone. They have to save themselves. I finally feel like i belong. I was raised by animals the way my counselor and my father coincidentally put it. As an aspiring naturopathic doctor I would say people have the choice to let their environment control them or they can take control of their environment. You are doing the right thing up there lady. Have to let them go but you can still lvoe them and wish them well. I AM SO HAPPY I FOUND THIS BLOG.. its liek an addictive relationship with a sociopath. they beat you until you are trained and compliant and when you know nothing else you are afraid. Your mother is your first link to the outside world. I think there are many children out there with sociopathic parents like ours who blame us for their problems. stick us in counseling so they never have to take accountability for their own actions. They actually convinced me there was something wrong with me. I am so glad i had my uncle and grandpas love growing up. I dont know what I would do without them. I hope you choose to respond because I would love to get to know all you or anyone who wants to respond but I can relate completely to the origional author. Maybe we can help each other I am a little older and have always tried to love my mother but now i have relationship issues i relaized because her too. I was attracting sociopaths since that was what i grew up comfortable to.. it is har dot find someone to talk to about how traumatizing good things can be in life when you have had constant bad things all the time and being cut down , competed with like a grown rival.. I just broke up with a man who was 13 yrs my senior. thank god i met my dad and i finally feel like i came form somewhere and at least I know now one of the people who created em loves me adn wants me here in the world. She would never listen to me or what i needed. It was always what she thought i needed.
ReplyDeleteI am 56 years old and still walking on eggshells around my mother my heart goes out to you in your emotional pain
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DeleteI always felt like I was alone and when I talked to people they just thought i was a normal teen rebelling. I was in honors classes through high school and participated in choir. I was in tennis and loved being active. I joined the Marine Corps upon graduation and lived normally but had lots of problems with deep relationships. In my opinion there has to be a god because she beat me to the point that I don't remember most of my early childhood and i never use to sleep. At one point i slept with a knife under my mattress fro protection. At times i slept on the floor becasue I had no bed but my step dad always had between a 12-24 pack of beer every night. I was never number one even before him she drug me to bars with her and her friends. I never had relationships with peers growing up until 9th grade. I found a school with good friends and my controlling foster parents took that away from me. I went form one H*ll to another. I counted down the days until i was free and 18 after my 17th birthday and now i dont have to run anymore. I am in my third year of my bachelors degree and have had about 20 years of counseling thank god. I feel happiness in myself for the first time and strength cutting ties with her and no longer having to feel the need to compete to achieve to get her attention. She gets no credit for my accomplishments. She did not help make me into the person I am today and I am walking away becasue if she tried to take credit for that I would be very upset. I am moving to San Diego next week, 2000 miles away from all this chaos and I feel like a million bucks! I must retire, it is getting late but I would love to hear from anyone on this blog. Trying to understnad why they are like that can help give yourself compassion towards them to ease some of the pain inside but it always hurts. I thought there was something wrong with me becasue I had no love for my mother and I know now she beat that out of me and I wont trust her for a very long time and I want to see change not hear ideas and false promises of it. They are always looking for someone to cling to and suck dry. I found an article about emotional vampires. pretty interesting sucking the life force out of people who let them. NO NE CAN HURT YOU UNLESS YOU LET THEM is what i will and this with. That is helping me stay strong and away right now. She has no idea and I dont even know if she remembers what she did to me or if she blacked it out. it hurts too much to think about or care anymore. I am done
ReplyDeleteat 34 years of age, i am realizing my mom is a sociopath too. it is the only way to explain all the times she laughed at me when she was making me cry. she used me to get back at my father from when i was very little, until i hit puberty. when i no longer did exactly what she told me (tell horrible things to my dad, insist he was terrible, etc) she started abusing me. hitting me. humiliating me in front of her friends, my friends. she would lock me in the house without a way to get out and tell me she was never coming back. she did that so many times, i knew she would come back. since it stopped scaring me, she stopped doing it.
ReplyDeletei ran away from home when she told me she was going to kill me one night. i went to live with my father. she tormented us for years, accused him of molesting me to try to get me back. she got social workers and police involved in her scam against my dad, and i had to clear his name. i was 13. if i had been younger, they would not have believed me, and would have taken him away, which is what she wanted. i fought with everything i could till i left home and was thousands of miles away from her.
now i just divorced a sociopath man, not realizing until it was too late that i was substituting one toxic relationship for another. my mother and my ex are now both against me and trying to brainwash my son into believing i am the crazy one. they are both telling lies about me and tried to take my son from me in family court.
my mother has decided she no longer wants me. my ex is bringing my son to her (she pays for everything) and she gets exactly what she wanted from me - her grandchild. my son already sees what is going on. it is only a matter of time before he starts asking questions and not letting anyone take advantage of him. i am grateful i can at least prepare him and teach him how to protect himself from the abuse.
thank you for your post!! i am learning to let go of the idea that my mother will ever love me or feel anything for me other than disgust or disappointment. i'm learning to accept that i can't do anything about her illness, except to protect my son. it is healing to know that others can relate to what i have gone through. it is so... validating....!
I'm so sorry that you have to go through this. My parents did the same to me. They both said terrible things about one another in the hopes to turn me against them, but in the end it backfired on both of them because I took all of the blame.
DeleteNow that I'm older, I see where both of them were wrong, though I love them for the good lessons that they taught me.
Your son will come around to see the truth. Just keep loving and supporting him and he will find himself in this world.
Thank you for your honesty because it too is validating to me!
OMG! Me too! My mother took my daughter. I look back & she pretty much told me she would. She turned me against my dad. Trying to get back the 25 yrsi lost with him. Nobody believes me. He does but not that she has no conscience and thinks she loves me & step mom won't let me talk bad about her or at all. My mom hates me & won't stop! I moved 1000 miles away, she keeps trying to destroy what I have left. Please tell me evil loses in the end. I can't live my 2nd part of my life like the first. My daughter now is lying & hurting me on purpose. She & my sister told me about my mom & knew she was crazy. Idk if they know or accept what she is tho. My daughter uses her to get what she wants. how do you end it? She starts more drama when I try. I trust no one. I realized sociopaths are drawn to me. So many in or was in my life. I will never be me again.
DeleteHi, thanks so much for writing this post. I definitely feel where you're coming from. I too am starting to come to terms with the fact that my mother is not "normal". She's very calculating in her emotions and has been manipulating me and my twin sister for 19 years. When she doesn't get her way she bursts into uncontrollable fits of rage. She blends into society very well, using intelligence as an asset for her authoritarianism. She enjoys being powerful (has a very high ladder job in Washington) and has basically no empathy (my sister's therapist noticed this as well). It's hard to come to terms with my mother because she's left my twin sister and i so screwed up in so many ways, and it'll be very difficult trying to fix the damage she's done. One time i remember at dinner she literally remarked how our going away to college will only leave her with one daughter to terrorize. Our dad has repeatedly told us in a hushed voice never to tell our mom about our personal lives; now i finally realize why. My sister deals with so much anxiety because of our mother and i have major anger issues, along with troubles expressing what I'm thinking and feeling (even though i know that i am able to feel a lot).
ReplyDeleteI think my mother is a sociopath as well, I always feel pained to here these types of stories. How many children had to take care of their siblings or became "changed" for the worse because their parents couldn't be give them the kind of attention that a human being needs? I always hate it when people assume all parents are saints just for having children, In reality, having children may give you sympathy but it certainly doesn't make you entitled to treat kids like trash. My mother doesn't express sympathy or empathy for others. Just last night i called her on her cell and she didn't answer so i thought she was working really late. I should have called home but I didn't want to believe that she had forgotten about me since she usually picks me up from school. When I finally did call home, she got mad because she said that is was my job to get a ahold of her and that she could have been in accident(although I knew she hadn't and I had already tried to reach her.) She immediately turns any situation that would call for sympathy and empathy for another person and turns it around on herself. The fact is that she forgot about her own daughter and I could hear her stumbling over words on the phone trying to rationalize it. I feel that my mother only takes care of my siblings and I because it is a duty but not because she wants to or loves us. It's like she has split personalities as well and my sister also wondered if she may be bipolar. My mother is also not one for self-reflection and sorry is not something in her vocabulary. She is extremely self-centered and hypocritical, constantly complaining about things that need to be done around the house and how everything is dirty(which I clean voluntarily just about everything) even when it's already been cleaned. I try to be happy around her but it's like she tries to stay in angry all the time and I think she needs help but it's not something she'd ever admit to because admitting there is a problem would be a blow to her ego.
ReplyDeleteI completely relate to the details you just shared! And then I tried for so many years to help her or talk her into getting help but her actions have still yet to change! The only thing that ever really gave me any freedom was stop being dependent on her by every inch I could! And not having her in my life for the past 4 years is the reason I am ridiculously happy in my life today! It feels so incredible to be free of her games and have relationships built on honesty mutual love!! Don't give up! It is great that you can see that what she does is not right! :)
DeleteMy son is missing ... http://fathersunionaustralia.com/wp/2013/04/21/behind-121-fla-the-australian-family-court-child-exploitation-and-abuse-industry/
ReplyDeleteI am so grateful that I came across this. I too had a sociopath for a parent, though mine was my father. I never knew what love was and for a long time, I acted out in ways that were self destructive... mainly because I thought it was me. I've had such a hard time developing lasting relationships as well as finding a sense of identity in this world. I'm 25 now, and still have many wounds that I need to heal.
ReplyDeleteFor some time, I chose to medicate myself with drugs. I started to see that I was turning into my parents and could not have healthy relationships and boundries. I have anxiety and depression but didn't want to get help because I felt so ashamed of feeling the way I did. But in the past year, I have sought help and am beginning to find relief.
The reason that I say this is because it was never my fault for the way that my parent acted and I have nothing to be ashamed about. The same is for you. People can't comprehend how hurtful a sociopath is to your self image. But keep fighting the fight and know that you can live a beautiful life, free of all that garbage. Get in with a good counselor and face those demons head on! You can do it!!
Thank you again for posting this. Its so important for me to hear others stories so that I know I'm not alone. Take care and God bless!!
Katie
I, too, appreciate this blog. It took me decades to uncover the truth that my mother is a sociopath, incapable of empathy. When I was young, my caring for my little brother was both convenient for her and a sort of salvation for me. But as I developed into adolescence, unbeknownst to me, she started to compete with me, told my little brother that I broke up the family, and we were separated.
ReplyDeleteShe is a renowned liar, but acts like it's just harmless precociousness. She manipulates everyone with charm and pretends to care. She caught dozens of men, conquering and tiring of them in turn. Often she gained career advance through sex.
Like another blogger, I, too was terrified by my mother's eyes when she was about to beat me. Since growing up, she has always hurt me with her words, couched in a way to make her seem reasonable, e.g. She didn't love me when I was born; she wanted a boy first; she doesn't like females and only gets along with males; she didn't like my choice of husband; she did better than I did with her life. She has never apologized for anything because she rationalizes that she always did the best she could with the resources available to her at the time.
It's only after decades of being fooled by her that I figured out she's been putting me down to the whole family. Upon the birth of my twins (totalling 5 kids in my 36 year marriage), my brother's wife insulted me by saying with this many kids I would not be able to give them good lives and good educations. (We have both worked over 30 years each and have a good retirment.) When I complained about her to my mother, she said we were equal in her eyes so she wouldn't support my demand for an apology. Anyway, my mother looks down on me because I'm not rich.
She recently bragged that she always stole men away from other women. I knew couples who were her friends but broke up and quit being her friend...her secret relationship destruction?
I read the book by Dr. Martha Stout and my mother fits the sociopath criteria. I started distancing myself from her about two years ago but last year she became terminally ill. She, who has always insisted on queenly treatment, expects me to fulfill my daughterly role (like the movie Water for chocolate) and wait on her from bended knee. (She has money & hired help.) My behavior in sub-standard because I'm only calling every day and visiting when I don't have an excuse not to (...busy giving my kids a good life & education). So she is emotionally abusing me! And I feel like I could break. But I don't want to add to the end-of-life stress by outing her. I'm trying to give her peace and pretend-normalcy.
I think only one other person knew my mother is a sociopath: her own mother (now deceased) because she told me when I stayed with her at age 13, (My mother sent me away in anger.) What my Gramita said, God rest her soul, was "Your mother is bad." Bless her heart for warning me, though it didn't sink in to me that a person could be like that until now when I'm reading about sociopathy.
I completely relate to all of this, even down to the grandma's warning. My grandmother used to tell me that "she's sick" and that she can't help how she is. My advice, and this may be cold hearted ( at least that's what my mom would say) but I think you should stand up to her. You need a release And some closure. When she passes, if you never said anything all you are going to do is think about everything you should have said and it can make anger build up inside and there would be nothing you could say when it's too late
ReplyDeleteWow i had to stop reading when i first started reading beause it made me cry... im am in the nastiest custody battle ever! And i believe she is a sociopath and i believe if my sisters were enlightened about it they would agree also having some of those behaviors themselfs because of her putting us through her fits. Everything that was said i can relate to about the dirty house and her always complaing about what she thinks is wrong with my life how she did the best she could with the resources she had down to her always bad mouthing our fathers. She has sucked my sisters in drove one crazy and took her kids and sucked them in too and now she has my nephews abusing my one of three taking his toys smacking him she changed my youngest sons name because its the same as his fathers whom she cant stand. My nephews laugh in my kids face. My mother would not let me see my children for christmas then yesterday had me run back and forth on the same road for an hour to some park she was at. Then brought two of my sisters had in shove me in the face while my mother smoked a ciggrette and i told her they are my kids if i dont want you to smoke around them thats my perogitive, she said and whats your point! I have had enough of her lies in the courts if you even hear how this all began i thing ones had may start to spin
ReplyDeleteMy grammar is poor because im doing this from my phone so its hard to check because its so small sorry
DeleteFor years I tried to reach her, craving her love, but, by definition, she couldn't be reached. She passed December 22 and I am relieved.
ReplyDeleteI wait for that relief...
DeleteMeanwhile, carefully stay away!
DeleteI have a question for those of you who have/had sociopath parents. If you would have had someone in your life who was able to give you what you wanted/needed from your parent who was/is a sociopath, would that have made it easier to cope? would that have made you feel cherished and loved? Or would that have not made a difference, or really much difference, because it wasn't coming from the person you needed/wanted it from? I just want to know if I can undo some of the damage that's been done to my stepdaughter. If I can somehow make up for her mom not loving her the way she should. She hits her, ignores her, locks her in her room, makes her take care of the household chores while she lays on the couch watching Orange is the New Black (in front of her!) and there is a laundry list of worse things but i won't go into all of that now. and BTW my stepdaughter is only 6 years old.
DeleteMelissa and daughtertoasociopath, I am moved to tears by your comments here because I have never had another person who would understand this the way you obviously do. Never would i want to say out loud what you spoke here but it is just so accurate. I am so grateful I found this site and yall just genuinely get it!! Thank you for being willing to be so vulnerable so that I can safely be this vulnerable as well!!!
DeleteLizK, please call CPS AND file a report of these things at the police station in the town she lives in! CPS was worthless in my situation because my mother worked for the city as an EMT for the ambulance and everyone loves her. We would literally rehearse the" right" answers before the caseworker showed up, not to hide secrets but to "protect our family from being broken apart." The caseworker always walked away feeling pity for her struggle. However, if you file a report at the police station, at least something will be on file to back up later events. Either will hopefully increase the likelihood that your stepdaughter will have a safer environment in the future. Also, your relationship with her is very valuable. Her basic psychological needs as a child and human being can be met by any person so please do not be discouraged in that! I am so happy that God has placed you in her life to fulfill those needs! She may or may not struggle with the fact that her birth mother did not provide those things but that is her own journey to have and thank goodness that she has someone in her life to have her best interest at heart! I am sending prayers for you and your family!
DeleteHello. I am posting this to endorse your effort to identify and support other children of sociopathic parents. My mother was a sociopath. Her sole purpose in any given interaction was to hurt. She and my father had several children and as the mother of a 'large family' she had the perfect disguise. At a glance she appeared to be just too busy to ever catch up. In fact she did nothing but neglect, use, destroy, steal and lie. My dad was no saint, he drank pretty often and had what I would call 'rage issues' but he actually tried, worked, every day of his life to have a family. My mom wouldn't permit it. She overpowered him and he was not very old when he died leaving some of their children half grown.
ReplyDeleteShe began taking anything of mine when ever she felt like it when I was very small. After I left for school she would go through my possession to see what she could help herself to. She also stole from her other children and told them I did it.
She never went to my school to talk to my teachers, ( my dad did.) Although when I was very small I had been severly injured in an auto accident she never made a doctor's appointment for me. Made one dental appointment and for years complained about the costs.
While I was growing up I started earning money doing yard work and newspaper delivery. This became an opportunity for her to take ever dime I earned. One time she came to my school in the middle of the morning, got me out of class and took me to the bank so she could help herself to my entire savings account. I have no idea what she did with any of this money. My dad had a steady, union job and went to work every day but she insisted we were poverty stricken and had to live in misery - which she imposed mostly through neglect as well as active destruction.
I was a loyal child and a pretty steady wage earner which was a gold mine for her. By the time I was twelve I was doing the entire family laundry at a laundromat paying with the money I had earned.
The most dreadful experience I had with her in my memory was I was small, maybe eight and I was playing in the house with my brothers. I flipped back and struck my lower spine against the metal edge of a sofa. I think I passed out briefly the blow was so severe. I woke up on the floor, I was unable to control my legs, I could not speak, I was gasping and I could barely see. She came in from the kitchen where she usually hung around doing nothing looked down at me on the floor and walked away.
Now that you know, you owe it to yourself to protect yourself. She only takes pleasure in besting others, and will never change. That's how my mother spent every moment of her entire life.
ReplyDeleteCan anyone remember their childhood as filled with a yawning void, pure unlovedness
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ReplyDeleteI am astonished that I was able to survive my sociopath mother... it has taken 43years to really remove her from my life. I am learning just how sick she really is. Hindsight and perspective is invaluable.
ReplyDeleteJust figured out for sure that my mom is a sociopath. I had been trying to give her the benefit of the doubt for years and think she was merely a borderline or narcissist. Actually she is all three. She is incapable of empathy and very capable of incredible cruelty. She abused me terribly as a child--mostly emotionally. She was insanely jealous, tyrannical, a bully. Once in a while she would do something outrageously generous, but then back to the same. She never stopped abusing me until I cut her off at 36. I went six years without speaking to her--until I saw her at my grandmother's funeral. We were mildly cordial and she said she loved me. I wrote her a letter after that explaining my pain over the years and wondering if she could have any remorse for the pain she caused me. No response. She is the most evil, wicked person I have ever known and the really crazy thing is how she pretends in the community to be a saint helping all kinds of people. She is doing it just to get people to think she is wonderful but she really only cares about herself, her image, power, control and maintaining her vision of herself as perfect and superior to everyone else. I realized that she will never feel bad about the years of suffering she put me through--And actually I truly believe at times she derived GREAT pleasure from causing me so much pain. WOW--stay away from these people; FAR FAR AWAY!!!!
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DeleteYours sounds like mine. If I would have known & gotten away, I wouldn't now be so drained & struggling to find the real me, apart from the damage she did to me. Thank god sociopaths are mortal.
ReplyDeleteThe Sociopath at the Breakfast Table is a helpful book. Communing with Nature helps me most. Life is beautiful away from "society." I have my soulmate (who was also victimized by a parent), and we support our kids to have a chance at healthy lives.
ReplyDeleteI am the proud step parent of # amazing children. Their birth mother, unfortunately is a sociopath. After $ yrs of hell, my husband and I got full custody and she is allowed no contact. I am afraid as they become teenagers, she will try to worm her way back into their lives to continue her manipulation. How do I prepare/ warn them? How do I explain what she is that she is incapable of loving them? I want to protect them from her but it seems I will have to hurt them to do so. They are twelve, eleven, and nine.
ReplyDeleteDear Mykidsaremylife, I am not a professional but I do have experience. In my case my mother did not have a very strong interest in her grandchildren. They were considered work, somethings she avoided like the plague. She did try to keep them in her realm with an occasional bribe but she was never interested in anything they were doing. What I did was to introduce them to the subject by giving them information they will always be able to use. We discussed the definition of a bully at school and how they work. We let them know that they exist in life even as grownups. There were examples that my husband and I gave which related to our school experiences. In my case I was prepped to be easily manipulated by my mother. Pleasing people was my primary goal in life. Sociopaths can spot a mark a mile away. I had a friend that would pull me in and push me out like a yo yo. This lasted for two years until my mother sent me to live in a cult in order to free up some of her personal time. Are there any examples of bullies that your child can tell you about? Television shows are also helpful. I try to point out how people get manipulated and what to do about it. It is also important for me that everyone in my immediate family deals with each other in a truthful and honest manner. When discussing subjects I always try to stay at a maturity level that is appropriate for the child. When kids become older teenagers you might want them to read Stout's Sociopath Next Door to understand sociopaths; then McGregors' Sociopath at the Breakfast Table to understand the feelings sociopaths engender in us. Finally, when a child turns 18 and also when they are emotionally strong you can think about having the talk. Please make sure that you and your husband are on the same page and have the talk together with the child. This is the way I work with my kids but perhaps a professional will be able to give you better ideas.
DeleteThank you for your reply and suggestions. The kids are currently in therapy to deal with the hurtful behavior theyve endured. We are often at a loss..this stuff isnt in the parenting books. While mom isnt legally allowed near them sje continues to try to worm her way in. It is all about manipulation and control. She isnt interested in the kids themselves..just using them to hurt us. I know she will never give up and our ability to protect them lessens as they enter young afulthood. Dedpite, or maybe because of her abuse, they long for her love and acceptance. I guess, even more bevause they have never had it.
DeleteI am a the parent of a 32 year old daughter that is very abusive. I'm trying to figure out what action to take. She has two children by different fathers whom she hates and tries her best to keep them away from there kids. She lives with me after being fired from two jobs in a row. She is verbally abusive to me and her kids. She pushes me, screams at me, steals from me and talks to the oldest child behind my back crying and telling lies to gain
ReplyDeleteTo gain sympathy. She has had addiction to pain killers and went to a clinic for three years to ween herself. She yelled at her 12year old for three hours last evening. She yells at the top of her lungs at her 2year old girl using profanity. I'm at my witts end!!!!
ReplyDeleteIf you are seriusly concerned about the mental and physical welfare of the children (and it sounds like you should be) you need to get those children out of her custody. Do you speak with their fathers? Are they fit and able to take the kids? If not, you could file for custody yourself. It is a tough battle, they are very good at lying and manipulating. Document everything! Carry a notebook around. We fought for years for custody. I wrote every little thing down. Stacked up so many incidents the judge couldnt keep ignoring it. Good luck and may God watch over those children in the meantime.
DeleteExcellent advice. Also, Give up hope of changing your daughter. (Use serenity prayer)
DeleteThanks. I have ran it through my mind a hundred times to get custody of the 12 year old boy. His dad isn't in his life. He has grown up with her in two horrible relationships. Abusive. I am seperated from her father after 34 years of marriage. He has huge issues too.
ReplyDeleteI am nothing like my husband and my daughter. He was a good man when we married but he gradually let addictions run his life. And he is not a sociopath. He has feelings unlike my daughter.
ReplyDeleteTell your daughter to leave. Don't let her use the kids as pawns. They can (if you're up to it) stay, but she has to go. Don't let on you'd do anything for the kids or else she'll use them to get stuff from you. She'll use every trick in the book to gain your pity, make you feel guilty, and beat you. Maintain your right, in the present. The past is over. Write down your self-defense and re-read it to bolster yourself. Get professional help.
ReplyDeleteI know it's super hard, with them being the people who should be closest to you. You have a lot of emotional work ahead of you, to heal from this traumatic experience of being the mother of a sociopath. You may need support to be able to do it.
ReplyDeleteOnly you and/or a professional may be able to figure out if you are in danger from her. Be careful.
ReplyDeleteGet professional help and show your grandkids you care. Without talking against their mother, be an example to them of an adult who cares about them.
ReplyDeleteIt took courage to tell your story Autumn. I do hope you apologized to your little sister for taking your anger out on her and I hope you are not doing that anymore. Emily doesn't have a mother either. You are not responsible for Emily but don't take your frustration out on her as you long for your mother's love. Do you have a relationship with your dad? Do you have any other family? Wishful thinking towards your mother will lead to heartache and wasted years in my opinion. You are not a child anymore; you are a young woman. Instead of going into 'little girl mode' and longing for a mother, mother yourself. Why do you even continue having contact with her if she is continuuing to abuse you? Just because she is your biological mother does NOT mean she owns you. You are not obligated to interact with an abusive person. If she didn't care about you when you were a kid, why do you think she'd care now? Sociopathic women start to feel envy toward their adult daughters too. You are young and she will lash out at you (in my opinion) for the youth that she doesn't have anymore. How much of your life are you willing to give up hoping for a loving mother? Don't see yourself as a lost little girl without a mom, see yourself as a survivor who doesn't need a mom anymore. If you continue on this road you will look for mom replacements too and will become very needy and vulnerable and will meet more sociopaths. Find some good friends with people who are your equal and don't be jealous if other people have relationships with their mothers. For you, it wasn't in the cards but that doesn't mean you can't be happy. But you must find happiness; you can't wait for your mother to make you happy and you can't wait for some mother replacement to come around to rescue you. You can do it.
ReplyDeleteGreat advice GretelForrest. Autumn, try to bravely mother yourself with TLC, since you were birthed by a jealous sociopath. Demand nothing less than true love, as I found in my James. He is adoring me daily for going-on 4 decades. And we love our 5 kids. They see how Love works and will know it when they find it.
DeleteThank you, for that was just what I need to hear.
ReplyDeleteIt's easier said than done, to find courage inside yourself each and every day.
ReplyDeleteI started crying reading this. My stepdaughter's mother is a lot like your mother. It breaks my heart. All she wants is for her mom to love her uncondtionally and to treat her with the kindness and respect that she so desperately deserves. I do my absolute best to give her everything, to always let her know that I'll love her no matter what. I make sure I treat her with every ounce of goodness I have in me. I want her to know how special she is and I tell her every single day how amazing she is and how much I adore her and love her. I am so very very sorry your mother couldn't give you that kind of love. I can't even imagine how that feels. I was blessed with a wonderful mother. I didn't have the same luck with a very devoted father, and my stepmother was borderline abusive. But I turned out alright and I make it a point to be a better person than any of them (even though my mom rocks). I just want to give my stepdaughter everything she should be getting from her own mom and more. I want to help her cope with how she was mistreated by her mom, and is still continuing to be when she visits her. My husband got full custody last year after her mom and her boyfriend took turns spanking her to the point she had hand shaped bruises and welts on her bottom. They still deny they did it, we're still going through the court hearings, but they both still get to see my little girl without supervision and it kills me every time she leaves our home. I just want to protect her and to help her heal from everything. Her mom used to call her names and swear at her when she was a baby and a toddler. She abandoned her and my stepdaughter was placed in foster care at one point, before my husband had been deemed as her biological father. He has fought for his daughter for 7 years and I am happy to help him in that fight. My stepdaughter is worth every bit of struggle we face in order to give her a better home, a better life, and a real shot at being happy.
ReplyDeleteI hope you are finding your peace through this, and thank you very much for posting this. I would be interested in getting your take on maybe how to help my stepdaughter cope with it all. Maybe get some advice on what else I can do to help her, and how to make sure she grows up knowing that at least her father and I will always give her love, and keep her safe.
I am going thru the same thing except, thankfully, my stepchildren no longer have contact with their mother. My youngest daughter, who is nine got the worst of it. I dont know that I have the right answers, Im still feeling my way through it. First we got her in therapy so she would have A nuetral party to vent to and to help her work out her feelings. Obviously, she has major self esteem issues. I know I can never totally erase the things her mother said to her, but I try to drown it out. I get her involved in activities like girl scouts, where she can accomplish things and make a big deal out of her accomp,ishments. For Xmas this year I gave her a "promise" ring to wear around her neck. Inside the box I wrote my promise..to always love her, be proud of her, think she is special..etc. Whenever she feels bad feelings or self doubts, she grabs onto it and recites the promise. In the 8 months since we won full custody with no visitation, she has changed wonderfully. Keep fighting! I know how long and frustrating and exhausting the custody process is, but dont give up.
DeleteAmen!! Don't give up! I have so much respect for the two of you!! :)
Deletei have a sociopathic mom as well and the fact that they sound so alike is just sad
ReplyDeleteI greatly appreciate you creating this site! I have struggled with feeling alone in this! So many mothers are worshiped for their role and society often talks as if all women who give birth to children are amazing for doing so and then we just assume that because they are a "mother" they have loving, beautiful, nurturing qualities! I now know that when I have children of my own, I will live those qualities! But my mother was only those things when there were people watching or my anger started to surface and I needed a nice, fresh brain washing back into submission. My mother never really insulted me though until I was about seventeen and started calling her on her inconsistencies. That was when I started to see jealousy and hateful comments. Prior to that she was always telling me how wonderful and beautiful I was and was proud to show it off to the many men in her life and flaunt that I was too young for them to have me. She often talked to me about how she didn't love my little sister the same and thought maybe it was because "I was her first" and my birth when she was 16, saved her from her past because she could tell I loved her unconditionally from the day I was born.
ReplyDeleteYou remind me of my own experience except I didn't figure my mother out as soon, being caught up in my own family & career. Unfortunately it hit me little by little over decades until she was entirely unmasked for me toward the end of her life. I feel like, "Where have I been, not to see her cruelty?" For example, she tried to talk another mother into letting her adopt her 3-year-old when I was 3 years old because he was a boy and I was not. Telling me she didn't love me when I was born really hurt yet I continued to love her. Where is the commandment to honor thy child? She used me for housekeeping & childcare at a young age. She joined a cult (loved the "free love") which divided members by age group but San Diego didn't have a group for my age so they sent me to Santa Monica. Mom freed herself for affairs but then snagged my dad back (who'd left the cult angrily) by lying that she couldn't contact me so they came and stole me away. The truth was there was an open phone bank and she never called for the months I was there suffering depression. By that time I'd made friends and got mad at her for tricking me and taking me. She used that as an excuse to send me away to Mexico so my dad and brother wouldn't hear the truth from me. I left home at 15 to find peace & consistency but never stopped loving my parents. At my late age (50's) I found out my mother blamed me to my brother and father for joining the cult and breaking up the family.
ReplyDeleteThat is awful... But I totally relate to it. From my first memories, I was inadequately parenting and taking care of my three younger siblings. I feel that in many ways I raised her as well. Every time I have felt drawn to have a relationship with her again, it is this feeling that she "needs me" to take care of her and make her feel better even though rationally I know that it never worked before. She has always been a miserable person and it is always someone's fault. I stopped having a relationship with her finally when I was about 21 or so and she has been playing that exact game that your mother did. My little sister has wept to me about her grief that our family cannot be whole because I wont let it by choosing not to be around her. My mother's new excuse for being a mess is that I have abandoned and humiliated her by this severance of ties. I still carry her secrets and I want to be free of them, hand them to a police officer and I will when I visit her area next month. But my three younger siblings are still entranced and they think I am a horrible person. I want to scream from the roof tops about her sexual relationship with all of us as children but how when the other three victims are gathering for Easter with their own children like nothing ever happened?! And maybe they don't remember what happened but I have been too afraid to ask because I don't want to be the person to bring it to the surface of their consciousness!!!!! ...and too I am afraid they will tell me I am crazy and made it all up in my head... I'm sure you understand this struggle to hold onto your own truth with a person that insists that the sky is green instead of blue and demands that everyone around them act accordingly!! Every day of my life my mother spoke against "pedophiles" like her father while she was fully naked and rotating men and women through her bedroom screaming ecstasy at the top of her lungs. My childhood home may as well have been a pornographic film set and yet all these years later she wants to trap my husband and suggest that I have removed her from my life because I am blaming her for her boyfriend "SoSo" molesting me. I wonder if she genuinely doesn't remember that that never actually happened!? What actually happened is that when she was ready to get rid of SoSo, she told me that she suspected him of wanting to have sex with me and my little sister and then publicly humiliated him with this accusation on our front lawn! She doesn't own a single damn boundary!
DeleteSo good for you for trusting your instincts instead of honoring the societal taboo against believing that a mother could ever not love her child. Thankfully, my husband and I can love our 5 children unconditionally and we're filled with the joy of watching their beautiful lives develop!
ReplyDeleteI think at that point it was genuine instinct for survival! My trauma reactions had me spun into being obsessed with my suicide and space from her was the closest thing i had to sanity! Every new bit of space that comes between she and I, gives me RELIEF that I can physically feel! My vision literally clears up and light seems brighter. It is so interesting that my body knows what is healthy for me like that. But I do not have the social support that I have needed for it, or I have not until now!! My three younger siblings and their kids and my maternal grandmother and cousins are all that keep me attached to her and I really do not want to give up those relationships!! But I need freedom from her! I really do in the deepest way! I need the peace of forgiving her or letting go or erasing my memories or removing all connections to her! Through therapy, I know that these emotional and physical reactions are my PTSD but I am just really hoping that there is a way to be free from them or at least reduce the pain.
DeleteI am so happy for you and your husband and yalls new family! I want that for when my husband and I have children some day! But for me, right now, the word "Mom" causes an immediate bodily reaction of disgust and sickness. I want that to go away before I have children of my own.
You need an enlightened witness to help you when you get gaslighted by family interactions. My husband helped me and I'm currently helping my paternal cousin. The book, Sociopath at the Breakfast Table, explains the dynamics of your challenge.
ReplyDeleteI lost all my maternal relatives because of my mother's deceptions. I bought a house in her neighborhood and for most of the 35 years I tried to please her. She mostly ignored us while she was still in her sexcapades but then her prowess waned. Just as my feelings began really hurting, with put-downs for having the twins, she took the matron role and wanted to be catered to by me, but she didn't want our kids around (mainly the twins). She sought people for their usefulness. She turned everybody against me when I refused to play my designated role. (The friend who cooked all her meals hates me the most. She hollered at me from the front door that my mother had died, telling me to hurry over and see the body -I didn't.) After I barely showed up with token gifts occasionally all the way to the end, my maternal family believe she was a wonderful mother and I am an awful daughter. (They don't know she called my 56 year old cousin "ungrateful" because he had a few more months to live; he died in March, three months after she had her 80th.) but I'm the lucky one because I am able to know real love which is very powerful.
I'm so glad I can love, even with all the pain involved. It's better than being a sociopath that doesn't love people, only power over people. You are showing that you care because you want to do the right thing. You are a beautiful person.
P.S. People who care the most have the hardest time & the biggest rewards when they make it through.
ReplyDeleteI'm reading a lot and I think, that besides knowing intellectually the trauma done to you, and even re-feeling the events, you must augment yourself with a positive philosophy of life. We like to feel wise at what we call "soft values" which are invisible but real (not material) like kindness and understanding. But don't let your empathy be used against you by family Apaths to entangle you in their cruel interactions. Care from a safe distance. Your wanting to be a good mother will make you a good mother. I was lucky to follow my instincts to become a good, attachment-bonding mother before I found out how horrible my own mother was. I am NOTHING like her and you won't be like yours either. They use our empathy for service to them until we become super-Empaths, able to anticipate their desire. You'll be intuned to your kids' needs, don't worry.
ReplyDeletedaughtertoasociopath, I really appreciate your comments and feedback! It means alot to me!! :)
ReplyDeleteI had no idea that there were so many others out there. I have a mental illness because of the upbringing I endured and not really up for swapping stories yet but it makes me feel less ... Alone but so sad others have endured such pain too. Thank you for sharing your stories.
ReplyDeleteI wish a public education campaign existed because sociopaths/ psychopaths/ persons with antisocial personality operate most freely against the unsuspicious, the kindest, the empathetic.
ReplyDeleteI had no idea that there were so many others who have suffered the way my siblings and I have. It is unbelievable to me how little information and support is available out there. Good luck to you all.
ReplyDeleteYour mother saying "You take Autumn was so hurtful'" like mine saying she didn't love me. Our moms should hang out together in Hell, if only there were one.
ReplyDeleteI meant, "You take Autumn" must have felt so rejecting (which your mother said to your father). I put the quotes wrongly.
ReplyDeleteWOW, JUST WOW. I don't feel so alone now, THANKYOU! I feel like all the pieces just fell into place.
ReplyDeleteMy mother is a sociopath and i only figured it out last year age 33. I can relate to nearly every story on here. Every other word out of my mother's mouth is a lie. I've not spoken to her for months which doesn't bother her she only contacts me to lie about something, play the victim or ask for something. stay well away from these hateful people.
ReplyDeleteIt's so good I never knew there was a blog for us to blog like this! I was blown away when Ariana up there said "Until today I never realized she was a sociopath I had always thought she had BPD with a bunch of ads-on illnesses. MY MOM TOO! I always thought she was BPD, depression, bipolar, OCD, PTSD, a never ending list. I went through the "getting along/not getting along" hell, and I FINALLY broke away from the manipulation cycle and haven't had any association with her since July. She got ahold of my kids and that's what did it. I always knew she had pedophilia behavior growing up with her watching her develop crushes on little boys ages 11-17 but I never ever imagined her taking it as far as forcing her 4 year old grandson to touch her private areas in appropriately. It wasn't even that as much as the other shit she put him through!! She scared him into needing her! The manipulation was embedded into his head it was sick. He literally felt afraid and that he needed her. She showed him horror movies animals being slaughtered she showed him videos of Edward Gein and Jeffery Dahmer victims plus pictures and other pictures of faces skinned and skinned faces with eyes gouged out. She's sadistic! She even tried to get my son to kill me!!!! Taught him how to poison people!!!! At age 3!!!!!!!! It was crazy she hit and shook his little sister in front of him. And the WORST part of it all is that NO ONE BELIEVES IT. She's so good at getting sympathy votes because she's all alone isolated and lonely that people just assume she's this innocent person who's all alone has no one and needs to sympathy or friendship. But... She never gets friendship cuz she's a master manipulating sociopath. WE ARE NOT ALONE. email me or reply back to chat. Never get ur kids around or near a sociopathic parent cuz I can't tell what is wrong with my son now because of her she tried to ruin him and kill me. I reported all of her actions and he's in counseling but it's so hard to prove her crazy shit because what a 5 year old says isn't as credible as what an adult says. He has cognitive distortions from her abusing him like she has a lot of money and would buy him literally everything in stores. For 2 years it went on where he felt entitled to everything.
ReplyDeleteATTENTION CHILDREN OF SOCIOPATHIC PARENTS:
ReplyDeleteIs it hard being an adult??? I have such trouble asserting myself and keep organized because I grew up all ALONE!!! Without any direction or any parents to teach me basic ADULT LIFE duties like cleaning and being organized!!!
And people without sociopathic parents just don't get it!! They don't UNDERSTAND. They have this crazy stubbornness about "parents" and that we are to endure whatever is hurting us because of the simple fact alone "that is your mom/dad". They don't understand the difference between parents with maternal and paternal bonds versus parents who are INCAPABLE OF LOVE INCAPABLE OF A MATERNAL OR PATERNAL BOND BECAUSE THEY ARE SO NARCISSISTIC. Their offspring are merely another tool for attention. They don't care about us. They just use us. My mom RUINED me in high school. Used me to meet guys and steal my boyfriends. Controlled me to feel better about herself. I would have reported her for so many things that I never knew I should have back then. Anyway all those children of normal parents never understand it.
ReplyDeletei AGREE. there are so many PEOPLE, AND MY OWN FRIENDS, who have never cared enough or even believed that these parents theyve seen all the time have ever been abusive, or done anything wrong.
DeleteYou story is closely related to mine. My father is just like that as well. I had similar experiences while growing up. He was like a chamealian with his personality, always putting on a front when people were around. He always had several girlfriends and paid more attention to them than me. I cam go on and on....
ReplyDeleteHey Just want to tell you, you are not alone. I am here too, surviving that horrible experience as a child. I just would like to tell you, you are courageous and I am thankful for that...
ReplyDeleteHey Just want to tell you, you are not alone. I am here too, surviving that horrible experience as a child. I just would like to tell you, you are courageous and I am thankful for that...
ReplyDeleteYou are definitely not alone. I have a heart condition at the age of 34, that i was born with and just had a overnight stay at the hospital for it. My Mom online pretended to care although i had not talked to her when i was in the hospital at all. She just saw from fb that i was there. She created an entire scenario asking for "prayers" for me. This was just yesterday, TODAY after a mild disagreement, she told me to go "have a heart attack and die bitch" It was so weird. But i wasn't shocked i have dealt with this from her my entire life. She's stolen my ID, i had to pick up the pieces, i didn't prosecute her because my little sister was with her and just 7 at the time. She's abused me physically, emotionally since the day I can remember. She is A MASTER manipulator to those who do not know her, usually strangers or people in passing. But my extended family and immediate family do not want anything to do with her. To others in the outside she is such a good helping Christian woman but nothing is NO STRINGS ATTACHED. Everything comes down to money. She is a 56 year old woman, never been married 7 children all by different men who are not in our lives, she abused drugs for most of her life. So she hasn't raised any of us past the age of 5 or 8...yet she blames her sisters, my aunts for "taking her kids" she gave them hell for years and she still does. She tries to bully everyone in our family. She is 100% all about image. The closest I can say about her is that I see her as a demon in the flesh. She has dragged my life and people around her down to a level of almost going insane because if you are not smart enough she can really be a puppeteer. I would consider her a low level sociopath though. She lives off the government, has absolutely nothing after all these years and all she has is a GED, she dropped out of school at 15 and had a baby. Dated drug dealers, man after man, i mean its just so ridiculous. I understand people having disorders, but she is on a the very high spectrum of this disorder. I believe 100% that if she could get away with murder for money she would do it in a SECOND. She loves to be around very OLD men so she can screw them out of their money and pretend she's just caring for them. I mean it is so sick that people like her exist that i am soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo careful in life about who i bring into my life, and always second guess people's motivations.
ReplyDeleteI am still in the process of reeling from the realization that my mother is a sociopath. Looking back, the parade of "friends" of hers who came and went after "something about money" happened between them, as well as her penchant for marrying men she believed had money, really sends shivers down my spine. But, the failure of these relationships were NEVER her fault, of course, and she got money out of these people for "the kids" (my brother and I). Now I expect that after she reads the letter I mailed her asking her to get serious therapy (I already got years of my own under my belt) and leave me alone in the meantime, I'll be vilified too.
ReplyDeleteI'm almost 40 years old, and although I remember the childhood beatings, put-downs, lies, cruelty, and labels such as calling me a bitch, ungrateful brat, crazy, f***ed up in the head, etc., as an adult, I actually held out hope that her advancing age would slow her down. Well, it did to a certain extent, like age slows down everyone else, but I had to accept the other day that she hasn't changed at all. She just no longer has my brother and me to beat on, yell at, etc., but she has my step-dad, so I guess that's good enough for her. The other day, I was listening to yet another one of her stories of verbal abuse against my step-dad, and I just snapped inside. I didn't say anything to her about it, because I learned years ago that she not only won't change, she is not interested in changing and will make you regret dare criticizing her. After all, there is nothing wrong with her, you know! It's everyone else. Everyone else is stupid, weak, worthless, evil, etc.
What's really funny is that I am so skeptical and suspicious of others who even remotely remind me of her, and I will run far, far away from them. But with her, I've let her play by her own set of rules for so long that I lost precious perspective. I bring her into my home, and more importantly, into my psyche. It's hell. I'm done.
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ReplyDeleteMy heart extends to you Autumn. I am hoping you continue to grow in appreciation of your self.
ReplyDeleteMy granddaughter's mother is a sociopath. The destruction she has caused in my world is unbelievable.
I didn't know she was a sociopath until she took my granbaby 700 miles away and I needed to keep contact with her to ensure a relationship with the child. I played her game and provided her with a phone ... this made her have to keep in touch with me. I spoke to her almost every day. I listened to her stories. I experienced her disregard for me and my son. I heard her lies. (I became more and more convinced my granddaughter needed my constant involvement, influence) This woman is a beast, she is horrible. She can play many roles; poor single mom, caring doting mother, sexy kitten, sad compassion friend .. but truth is, she is a phoney vicious liar. She does not care about ANYTHING! Except possibly pretense, what ever show is playing at the time.
I have seen bruises on my granddaughter. My granddaughter has told me that her mother hates me. I have had to hear this sociopath voice her pathetic poor opinion of me over and over and over. At one point I cared about this girl. Yep, she had played me. (I am a very compassionate person, she played me but good!!) Now, if I could, I would give her a piece of my mind and never see her again. I would tell her how pathetic she is .. but I can't. I have a very innocent, very vulnerable little five year old girl to help. She doesn't know her mother is sick. She needs a grounding source. She needs another perspective. (Her mother tells her I am crazy or weird .. she tells her 'everyone' thinks I am crazy) Finally, her projection doesn't effect me much anymore. My granddaughter will grow up. She will see for herself. Hopefully she will be developing a strong sense of self esteem along the way. I have enrolled her in dance and gymnastics. Her mother 'allows' this .. AND takes credit for it! As though she pays for it and as though she transports her!! She shows up once in awhile.
Anyway, it's a constant being on guard with her. It's constantly disregarding every thing she says .. teasing out what the point of her attempt at communication is.
I hope to find some stable mental framework to deal with her within. If I can do this .. I can coach my granddaughter to develop a frame of reference that can allow her to love her mother but not be damaged by her destruction.
Does this make sense?
I wish you health and happiness.
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DeleteI just finally figured out it together now after thinking and researching the many reasons why my mother always treated me so bad. At first I thought she was schizophrenic and then paranoid because she would always blame me for things that were never what she imagined. But on this day I learned she was a sociopath. Your story confirms so as well since 80% of everything you have described has happened in my life with that woman who I came from. I stopped speaking with her for over a year now and I swear I do not regret nothing. It took me a while to regain some sense of control over myself and to figure out that I can be the person I am especially outside of her hellish influence. I will not say it is easy but I will say it is possible. I understand how the first memories of your world do shape who we become and how we feel about living. I understand that so thoroughly but I am aware that there are 90 years left after that decade of hell to work on making the memories that will define who you truly are and want to be. My mother always gave me the bad example and then told me not follow it. She would accuse me of doing things unimaginable for a child. Her favorite word for me was "Bitch" and "Shameless", I recall her calling me those names since I was 3 years old. One day I asked her why other women in her family also used those names to call on the daughters (I guess I stem from a long line of psychotics), and she told me that it was to help children develop a sense of shame for their actions and beings. In retrospect I see she was basically telling me that I needed to feel ashame to live a full life! I hate my mother. I have always hated her because I could never understand how someone I loved so much just wanted to hurt me so deeply. Every word that came out of her mouth always felt like a twisting knife in my gut. Like something sanding my being into grit. She was also very keen in telling us that we shouldn't feel unhappy because depression is for the weak. As a child she was the monster under my bed and I displayed all symptoms of childhood anxiety like nail biting and depression. But no one ever knew. I could never truly understand it either and when I realize I had anxiety, I just felt so marooned and confused. I was also very bad at school and very easily distracted. She would also physically abuse me. Like any time she could get her hands on me for anything she would hit me with such enjoyment and show others how she hit me for "discipline". I remember my legs scratched my hair pulled off and my back with bruises. She would also always tell me that I was sick as to discourage me from ever trying anything. And used to call me dumb and stupid and my handwriting ugly and sloppy when I was just a child and learning about letters.
ReplyDeleteAll these things hurt so much but college saved me. I went away from her and I have been working through this for 6 years and I am still not done, but I no longer care. She left my body like a fart slowly over the years, all of any feeling leaving out of me until the final plop. When I see her now I treat her with kindness because that is who I chose to be and who I have always been. I have never verbally disrespected her I chose not to play her games. But I truly have no regard or respect towards her whatsoever. Everything she built with her hands she trampled into dust with her mouth and feet. The last straws of our relationship was when she manipulated me into uninviting my father from my graduation or else she wouldn't come, and then after uninviting him she didn't even show up and held back my brother from coming. The second one was when she tried to pick a fight with me over a flower base that she claimed I broke "on purpose". She just spit fire from her throat and I didn't even say anything I just picked up my shit and left forever and ever and never even looked back.
I relate so much. every time I cried because of her beatings, she told me "you have a problem." "you're crazy." and when I said I'd tell on her? She told me, "You're crazy. You should be put in a mental hospital " or "asylum". Then you know what? she put me in that mental hospital when I was barely 16 years old. Those brain disabling drugs killed me in less than 3 years. Yes, here, but with barely a brain as I was a genius, wise kind but without the brain / soul to function at all. I am now 24 and it's difficult ever finding anywhere to live or anyway to survive.
DeleteI mean literal, physical death. It's callled NDE near death experience but when it's from psych torture it's obviously terrible, also lot s of people think it's great but it's not. She also proudly beat me to show discipline in front of people, in streets, inside where there were lots of people.
DeleteI too saw college as an out. So I was going at 17, but by then most of my brain was gone and I had to drop out. Could barely survive, let alone do classes. It was more than a year of this torture and brain dying. So now I unfortunately am unable to free myself of her. :/ I commented below called the cops and they did nothing. Called shelters--nothing. Friends--- nothing. Stayed at "friends" houses for 3 years that were EQUALLY AS ABUSIVE. Anyone in a good situation does not want to get involved...
She called me Puta bitch since i was three while she yelled hit me and said horrible things about how ugly and stupid i was
Hi,
ReplyDeleteMy name is Adrian. I am the father of a beautiful eleven year old daughter. I have not been with the mother for ten and a half years. She has put me through hell in that time. I have not seen my daughter now for eleven months. I am very concerned about her welfare. Her mother is extremely clever and is a sociopath. I have only just recently stated to read up about them and it is very disturbing. I was diagnosed with MS 4 years ago, so life for me has been extremely hard. My daughter says that she hates me. I know that she doesn't. I miss her so much. I was just wondering if anyone can give some advice. I live in the UK. Please get in touch if you can. Thanks.
I too have been around a mother who is a sociopath for a major portion of my life. She lies and manipulates her actions and certain situations. She feels good when she puts her daughter down and bullies her to the point of no return. She mentally manipulates people to think like her twisted mind. This woman is mentally and physically abusive to those that live with her. I have called the authorities on her but she always twists the story to work in her favor. She has an unwritten record of physical abusiveness.
ReplyDeleteI believe deep in my heart that my mother is a sociopath. She is cruel, says things to hurt me, laughs at innaprorpriate times when she knows she has hurt me. Pretends in front of others that she is nice, but she is not. I am in my 40's i have had enough. I will not pander to her needs any longer. I told her as much yesterday and she left my house. I recently lost my dad, they were not together. I am grieving, the loss of my father hurts so much. My mother said it was his own fault he got ill because he didnt look after himself. That is a cruel comment, he didnt deserve that, i didnt deserve to hear it. 4 months after his passing she gave me a letter that my dad wrote to me as a child. She kept it for over 30 years, my handwriting on the back of the letter suggests i was a young child. She hated me when pregnant with my eldest child, i felt so anxious and suffer anxiety today which i believe is as a result of her. She would ask me why i was laughing with my little brother and sister. I felt so unwanted and unloved i ended up moving into a mother and baby hostel. I then went to live with my dad and his children with his partner. My dad asked my mom to take me back because the baby was due, i spend my days in the bedroom. When my daughter was born my mother did not want to know her at all for months. Now she uses my daughter against me, uses it to her advantage when myself and my daughter have issues. She even refuses to be called grandma, all her grandchildren have to call her 'nan'. I have found the strength to say, 'no, i will not' and 'no i do not agree'. Finally, i have come to terms that we will never get on. She exudes bad energy, i feel very uncomfortable in her presence. I detest being in her house. One minute its fine, the next, she is angry with me because i disagree with her. She dated her own cousin, went as far as getting engaged to the horror of myself and other family members. My cousins children are my cousins, upon his death last year (she even refused to attend his funeral) she claimed he was not family. She treated him less than an animal when their relationship broke down, he would stand outside in the cold and he comes from a hot country. HHe suffered as a result of her. Nefore he passed away, i apologised to him for my mother treating him less than dirt. She is claerly mentally unstable but luckily, i am the opposite to this woman. I have never come across a person like her, the total oppsite to my dad. She gave my brother my dads middle name but we dont share the same father. Who does that? She didnt include my father on my birth certificate and i didnt find out until recently having ordered my birth certificate. I have had to apply for a declaration of parentage due to my father not being here to state i am his daughter. Luckily for me, the judge granted this and i can mourn in 'peace'. My mother attended court although the judge did not request this. She said she was there for support, but from how she acted, i feel she wanted to appear to be nice and supportive. her being there added to my anxiety. I have so much else to say, she has hurt me so much. Who asks a grieving daughter if their father has been 'cut' had an autoposy? My mother does.... I'm still comng to terms that he did not fake his own death. I burst into tears when she said that. She never apologised for her disgusting insensitivity.
ReplyDeleteI would like to write a book one day. The damage she has caused is dangerous, and toxic. Her other daughter is just like her, no emotion whatsover. Works in a funeral home which suits her persoality well. Pretend to show empathy to grieving famlies when they come to arrange a funeral. She ganged up with my mother to disrepect my brother who i supported throughtout. My mother is a bully, she manipulates, is vicious deceptive name calls and holds grudges. If had the strength to prosecute her for crimes against humanity i would, but that would only feed her ego when she gets a lawyer who would listen to her lies.
hi autumn i to had a sociopathic mum she would leave me with strangers even at a pub doorstep she showed no love towards me or my siblings at all she was selfish even left me with her ex husband she knew was violent and he broke my bones.i eventually went into care only for mum to ask for us back just to get rehomes then she would start the cycle again of abandoning us so i know how you must feel i am 49 years old now and still feel abandoned my own younger sister is a sociopath to when she was only 5 years old she tried to kill me twice once by putting a pillow on my face and climbing on it another by putting a phone wire around my neck and tightening it up many people dont believe me when i say yes she was 5 and yes she wanted me dead well it happened i dont speak to her now i tried to contact my mother she isnt interested at all and when they asked her if she wanted contact when i was in care all i got was she is in another relationship and enjoying her freedom sociopaths have no emotions they survive only for thereselfs and that is the most important person in there lives i hope this helps you knowing your not alone good luck with everything take care from jeannine
ReplyDeleteIve just recently discovered this about my mother... My upbringing was just like yours, except my dad wasn't around. Instead it was loads of drugged up men. Ive not long turned 19, and not long left my mothers house. i no longer want anything to do with her. Although I'm finding it really hard coming to terms with it all. Knowing that all the good was just one big fat lie. its very challenging and I'm struggling a lot.
ReplyDeleteSo I called the cops for at least the third time in history today ... for ongoing domestic violence.
ReplyDeleteand guess what?
They’re on a side, and it’s not my side. They’re on their side. Now. So now this entire thing was pointless.
They believe in defending the abusers. So now this entire thing was pointless. I think this is exactly what happened the last time I called them in 2015. They act like there is any innocence in abusers that are easily charming and manipulating them---aka sociopaths.
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I have called cops several times because of long ongoing domestic violence since birth from an entire family. They said if no one hit you "today" they cannot make an arrest. They also neglected child abuse as I was reporting within the 7 year statute and they said, "if there's no marks then we cannot make an arrest. " So even though I've been hit more than 100 million times by one person, if there are no marks, they refuse to arrest them. Even though I was choked, harassed and manipulated in very thorough ways so that STILL they ARE NOT ARRESTED.
This is what she does every time for my entire life. Anytime she comes off as suspicious, or I flat out tell people (maybe in front of her maybe not but she senses I did and starts to charm them)--- she immediately acts like shes the most sensible person who is absolutely right. And since people are always looking for an out—namely these cops today --- they take it. But worse, the BELIEVE her.
they* is parents and also an abusive sibling who has lessened abusiveness but is in no way helpful
ReplyDelete