Hello. My name is Autumn I am 20 years old and my mother is a sociopath. Recently I am starting to come to terms with what that actually means, for my mother to be a sociopath and I am finding that there is very little information online or stories from people who are learning to cope with their parents disability. I will be using this blog as a way to vent and hopefully as a tool for other people like me, maybe my writing will help someone else out there feel less alone then they already feel.
First I would like to define the "technical" deffinition for sociopathic tendencies, this is normally listed as a person whom is antisocial and lacks moral responsibility or social conscience. People with this psychological disorder are normally pathological and frequent liars, they have no remorse for their actions and frequently use people to get their way or to obtain sympathy. But the people in my opinion who truly suffer from these peoples reckless and thoughtless actions are their children.
I was born in 1991 my mother had just turned 18 and my father had just turned 30 and they were married shortly after I was born. I don't remember a lot from my early childhood, or at least the first 4 years until my little sister Emily was born. I was no longer a single little girl I had someone that I knew was going to need me and that I was going to need her. Growing up my mom and dad used to argue constantly I remember one argument in particular, I was maybe 5 or 6 years old sitting in the back seat of the car trying to distract my sister from the yelling. It was always terrible she could scream and scream for hours and never stop my father always trying to calm her down or reason with her. This day my dad pulled the car over after my mom demanded to be let out of the car, she continued to scream saying, "fine jimmy. Let's settle this now, I'll take Emily and you can have Autumn and we will never have to see eachother again." She reached into the passenger door window where Emily was sitting and tried to open the door, my dad didn't notice and drove... pulling my mom about 30 feet before coming to a stop. I don't remember a lot after that, I remember the ambulance coming taking my mom away and my dad being handcuffed and dragged off by the police. But that's the day everything seemed to start, after the incident my mother got full custody of me and Emily we lived in a large factory converted into apartments she would not allow me to speak with my dad on the phone without her in the room and one time after telling him we lived on a dead end road she took the wooden spoon out of the drawer and broke it while she pulled my pants down and beat my bottom purple. She always bad mouthed my father saying he was a phedophile or that he didn't love me like she did... Her drug problem was what finally got me and Emm back into my dads custody and while she was off at rehab my dad was left to pick up the pieces, but whenever things would start to become normal back Kristie would come saying, "I'm so sorry I messed up I have changed just onto more chance." And he would give her the benefit of the doubt because of the one sided love he had for her. They finally divorced when I was 9 with shared custody and we would spend half a week at moms and the other half at my dads. Half weeks with her were hell, I was left alone with Emily for countless hours a day, feeding, bathing and getting a 6 year old to do their homework is difficult enough now try being 9 and your just in over your head. I became angry and took it out on the little girl who had done nothing wrong the sweet girl with the blonde curls and chubby cheeks, and I wish I could take back every punch and slap... every time I strangled her or dhe fell down the stairs but I cannot... As the years started to pass my mom got more and more mentally abusive telling me I was worthless, or that she was the only person who could ever love a terrible child like me. Every visit with social workers ended with no result, she put on her poor me mask and played them like puppets even after she had busted my lip from her "discipline" she got away with everything...
I am now a young woman unprepared for the world ahead of her stuck somewhere mentally between an adult and a child longing for what I could never have, my mothers love with no strings attached. I feel alone and deserted coming to terms that she will never be able to love me, or understand what real love is. Even through my heart aches for her to hold me and tell me everything will be okay it will never happen. In an argument we had today she called me a disappointment, no mom a disappointment is a woman who abandons her children to fend for themselves, a disappointment is a woman who jumps from man to man just to use and abuse them and their bank accounts, and a woman who has been strung out or drunk most of ky life. Here is where I make ky stand, I will no longer cower in closets while she belittles me for control. I am breaking free from these chains and getting help. I will continue to post at least weekly about my therapy and other stories about growing up with a sociopathic mother with the hope that it will help someone out there like me who is only looking for the love of a mother they will never have...
